hahaha i completely forgot about this already. i dunno, i find lang kasi livejournal convenient, plus i have my site, crayolaskies dot org [go visit!] check me out at those places.. and i'll be popping in from time to time as well

somehow not so christmassy.

hope it gets better somewhat.

maybe later when i'm with my cousins...

ok well i'm not too sure if it's actually mine already... but pappy bought it when they went to phuket the week before halloween. too bad they didn't buy it before i left for the states. but whatever, i'm happy coz it's really pretty and better than the camera that i've been using till now.

it's the 4.0 megapixel CASIO exilim... really small and thin, plus the LCD is big! pretty pretty!Ü good thing i bought the 256mb SD card when i was in costco. thing is, i also bought the 128mb memory stick for the cybershot i usually use. those two memory sticks/SD cards do NOT come cheap!! i spent a total of $120 on both... but that's much cheaper than any other place i can get it from anyway.Ü especially if i buy here in manila.

looking forward to taking pictures with it!!!

am finally blogging again.

haven't been keeping up with this. guess i've been busy -- busy keeping myself busy with whatever that is.

still here in san francisco. my weekend here is about to end. so is my 10 day vacation here in the states. but guess what? despite all my tripping in new york, all my shopping in new jersey, and all my bumming and taking it easy here in san francisco, i still don't think i've faced reality.

has my escape really worked?

i honestly don't know what i had wanted to accomplish with my trip. i mean, i had a good time true. twas maybe a hollow enjoyment at some points... the points when i'd see something that would make me think of my brother, or the blank moments when i'd be staring out into space and inevitably think of my brother and how all this shit is still so surreal.

what am i gonna do when i get home? emptiness will fill me.

it's funny how luig and i weren't even close in the sense that we would confide in each other much... we shared the everyday moments. at most we'd probably talk about our respective friends or how our days were. but we never really told each other our problems. but he was the only one i had. he was my brother, the one i had shared practically everything with. i had shared his whole life with him, practically. i knew him all his life, i was there to see him grow up. and we would talk about how we would be when we would have our own families. so many dreams to naught. and i'm so afraid that when i get home i wouldn't know what to do with myself. it's just weird. i'm so afraid.

how does life move on from this? what do i do? how does my life go now? i don't know how to be an only child. i don't want to be one.

why is it like this?

i'm not mad, i'm not bitter. i'm just confused. i don't really know how i feel. i feel normal, but not. it's like i'm ok but not exactly. there's this void. and i don't know how to fill it. sometimes i think i can't accept all the things that have happened. it's weird.

i guess i'm just lost. i dunno what i am. i dunno what to do. this all seems like a horrible dream.

i haven't blogged in over a week.

i felt as if i couldn't. i felt like finally writing it, typing it and posting it would make everything real. i felt that the events of the past week would somehow hit me too hard and i wouldn't know how to react, how to face reality.

in a sense, i still haven't. i don't know what to do. i'm lost. i never ever thought something like this would happen to me, to my family.

my brother passed away on october 12, 2am. he was on his way home from a gimmick with friends when he was avoiding a car on mckinley road and lost control of his car. he hit a tree; it was instant.

i was right where i'm sitting right now when i got the phone call. it was 3am. it seems like ages ago, yet somehow still also a dream.

i feel as if last week was the longest week of my life. i guess it was.

i honestly don't know what i feel. i've been normal for the past how many days. yet it seems so weird. i forget that everything has happened. i forget that my brother is no longer with me.

and despite the many fights we have had, the many times i felt such annoyance or whatever for him, i miss him. life won't be the same without him. i can't picture how life will be without him. it seems inconceivable.

to make things worse, i really feel as if i'm escaping. my feelings, my house, reality. because on friday at 8am i will be boarding a plane for new york. isn't that escaping? i'm abandoning my family. i feel bad about that, but i refuse to spend sembreak all alone in my house. i'll just be looking for him, straining to hear his voice, calling out for him when i get home.

maybe when i fly back home, i'd be ready to face reality.

wow, finally a successful crosspost to my blurty! Ü

hurrah!